the past

Who am I, you may ask? I don’t know. I’ve always felt as if I’ve grown up without a face or name, blindly walking through the journey of life in a desperate search of something more. I want, I need, I yearn for something more. I cling onto happiness until it’s empty of its content. I move on. My life, a continuous circle of do this and do that.


Tell me, what is happiness? Is it the sparkle in someone’s eyes? Is it the smile that reaches their eyes? Is it an object resting in the palm of their hand? I could never describe happiness. I like to believe it’s because happiness is too broad, too sentimental. Sometimes I’m haunted by the idea that maybe I’ve never experienced happiness.


I find happiness in my daydreams, a break from my unsettling reality. I imagine warmth, a sense of belonging, the freedom to run until your lungs burn, and the dizziness of adrenaline. I can’t find that in my reality, a world full of deadlines and maturity, a slap to the face. I know I need to wake up, but dear dream.. can I stay a little longer?


I realize that I can experience sadness, but isn’t it easier to just put on a smile for the world to see? Isn’t it easier to push the thoughts aside and pretend everything will be okay? Isn’t it easier to slip on the mask? I’m not a person to show vulnerability or weakness. I would never let that seep into the cracks and flaws of my true self. I am weak. I am vulnerable. The moon only knows what’s truly under the mask as I hide in the darkness of my room.


The moon, the one I would talk to on lonely nights, never expecting a reply but appreciating the company nonetheless. The moon, waving at me gently during car rides, a smile blooming on my face at the thought. The moon, so close yet so far away. Dear dream, isn’t the moon lovely tonight?



My mother always knew she wanted a daughter. She said daughters were different. I am her perfect girl, a gem in the dusk, even though I feel everything but perfect nowadays. I was raised with love and care, my family is all that I asked for, yet I grew up with restrictions around me. I admit that my parents impacted me to be who I am today, yet it’s the self-growth and discovery I went through that made me whole.


I never truly knew what I wanted to do with my life. My parents would say I wanted to do one thing with my future, and I would blindly agree in hopes that it would grow on me, mold me into a carbon copy of the perfect success story I’ve dreamed of. I was young and naive, wilting under the shadows of my peers. My father constantly told me that I should be a leader. Deep down, it came to me through moments that I was a destined follower.


It took me years to climb out of the shell I had created. I was no longer a shy girl, afraid to speak up, following the crowd like a lost soul. I grew up. I felt free for once. I had found myself, or at least bits and pieces, and I no longer was trapped by the invisible barrier between me and the outside world. I was not the girl that I used to be, and a weight was lifted off my shoulders as I cut ties with my former self. I welcomed my new stage of life with open arms.



When someone asks who I am, I pause with uncertainty. Who am I? Am I the girl that could be in one of your classes; the girl that doesn’t raise her hand despite her father constantly nagging at such? Am I the girl with the loud laugh; the girl who cracks jokes at any moment of time, even when it’s inappropriate? Am I the girl with earbuds in, listening to one of her many music genres? Am I the girl with the bright pink jacket, standing out in a crowd?


Or maybe it’s the little things that matter, that make me who I am.

Because maybe the world wants to know me, not the simple copy-and-paste facts, but the information you must search deeply for through friendships and trust. Break down the walls I have built, and I promise I will tell you who Cindy is.


I am no fighter, no survivor, but I am like the sun. Shining down onto others in hopes of admiration and acknowledgment, I yearn for the warmth I also give off.

When the sun rises, I will try again. Tell me, have you ever wanted to look at the sun?



┌─── · 。゚☆: *. .* :☆゚───┐

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8 thoughts on “the past

  1. Dear Cindy,

    No word can describe what I am feeling after reading this piece. Your creative and narrative is perfectly mixed. The aesthetic that you provided is very unique and different and I very much appreciate it. The italics were perfectly located. “I am no fighter, no survivor, but I am like the sun. Shining down onto others in hopes of admiration and acknowledgment, I yearn for the warmth I also give off.” is by far my favourite thing you wrote. I think that that is a perfect connection and perfect word-play.

    The only thing that I could think of to improve is to state more about your title (reveur) and your quote. I’m not sure if I missed it but I would love to hear your explanation on why you chose those two things.

    Wonderful work!


    1. Tina,

      Thank you for the kind words! I’m happy that you like the aesthetic I used for my about me :-). I’ll definitely keep your advice in mind next time I write a post. I keep on forgetting the simplest of things. Thank you again!

      Cindy <3

  2. Dear Cindy,

    The language you used throughout this was completely mesmerizing! You truly spoke of yourself in a light that is vulnerable and for that I applaud you! Your whole writing style in general is haunting but also hopeful at the same time which gives it an incredible tone. My favorite paragraph in your piece is “I never truly knew what I wanted to do with my life. My parents would say I wanted to do one thing with my future, and I would blindly agree in hopes that it would grow on me, mold me into a carbon copy of the perfect success story I’ve dreamed of…” and so on. It really was beautiful to read and to become immersed in!

    The one thing that I would say is to tie back to your title a bit more (like what Tina said).

    For your second picture (the one with the boy and girl) why did you choose that specific image? I look forward to reading more of your fantastic work!

    Sincerely, Simran C.

    1. Simran,

      Thank you so much, Simran! I’m thrilled that you liked my writing style. I never thought of my writing as “haunting”, but I’m starting to like the term now that you mentioned it. Your advice is really helpful and I’ll make sure to use it for my future blog posts. Thank you again!

      Cindy <3

  3. Dear Cindy,

    Before I begin, I just want to acknowledge that your blog is amazing; the pictures, title, and quote work cohesively to establish a wholesome and beautiful look! As for your ‘About Me,’ I was completely blown away by your syntax, articulation, and natural flow of writing. While reading through, I could feel a strong sense of connection and understanding to the emotions and thoughts you shared with us. To be completely honest, I too have struggled with finding personal happiness and satisfaction in my life. I can testify that it’s difficult to break down that barrier which blocks us from freely experiencing true happiness, and I admire you for stepping out of that shell. Aside from the context, I also loved how you structured the piece; the paragraphs were concise yet detailed, and shifting to center alignment for the end was very effective, especially for the transition evident in the writing. As for the little details, I’m also very impressed on how you interweaved the theme of your blog into this piece; the title REVEUR was a fitting choice!!

    For improvements I have very little to offer as your post is already so amazing! The short powerful sentences were very effective; however, I think there are certain times were you can try using different sentence structures to smooth out the writing. I can tell that this piece is very genuine and true to who you are; this can be highlighted even more by infusing that gentleness into you writing. That being said, if it was done intentionally, please ignore my suggestion!!!! 🙂

    Cindy, you have left me awestruck by this amazing piece! I am so glad you joined creative writing – you obviously belonging here! I’m looking forward to reading more of your work!


    1. Hefseeba,

      Thank you so much for your comment! I’m really glad that you enjoyed my about me :-). I do struggle with sentence structure, so I’ll make sure to use your advice for my future writing. Thank you once again!


  4. Dear Cindy,

    Your About me was done to perfection. My favorite part of your About Me was the italicized letters that you used that really told me about who you are in a better sense. Not only that but the language that you used when you write is very powerful and really gives that power and emotion behind specific paragraphs and sentences.

    As goes for feedback, I think that some sections of your About Me were confusing and could use some better words so that they sound more clear and flow nicely.

    In conclusion, I think that this About me really did give me a better understanding of who you are even though I have known you for long. I think that what you are planning on writing about is going to be very powerful and interesting.


    1. Amit,

      Thank you for your comment! I really appreciate how you understood the message I was trying to convey throughout my writing piece. Your advice gave me a better insight on what I need to improve on, and I’ll make sure to use it for my future writing.

      Cindy 🙂

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