Who am I, you may ask? I don’t know. I’ve always felt as if I’ve grown up without a face or name, blindly walking through the journey of life in a desperate search of something more. I want, I need, I yearn for something more. I cling onto happiness until it’s empty of its content. I move on. My life, a continuous circle of do this and do that.
Tell me, what is happiness? Is it the sparkle in someone’s eyes? Is it the smile that reaches their eyes? Is it an object resting in the palm of their hand? I could never describe happiness. I like to believe it’s because happiness is too broad, too sentimental. Sometimes I’m haunted by the idea that maybe I’ve never experienced happiness.
I find happiness in my daydreams, a break from my unsettling reality. I imagine warmth, a sense of belonging, the freedom to run until your lungs burn, and the dizziness of adrenaline. I can’t find that in my reality, a world full of deadlines and maturity, a slap to the face. I know I need to wake up, but dear dream.. can I stay a little longer?
I realize that I can experience sadness, but isn’t it easier to just put on a smile for the world to see? Isn’t it easier to push the thoughts aside and pretend everything will be okay? Isn’t it easier to slip on the mask? I’m not a person to show vulnerability or weakness. I would never let that seep into the cracks and flaws of my true self. I am weak. I am vulnerable. The moon only knows what’s truly under the mask as I hide in the darkness of my room.
The moon, the one I would talk to on lonely nights, never expecting a reply but appreciating the company nonetheless. The moon, waving at me gently during car rides, a smile blooming on my face at the thought. The moon, so close yet so far away. Dear dream, isn’t the moon lovely tonight?
My mother always knew she wanted a daughter. She said daughters were different. I am her perfect girl, a gem in the dusk, even though I feel everything but perfect nowadays. I was raised with love and care, my family is all that I asked for, yet I grew up with restrictions around me. I admit that my parents impacted me to be who I am today, yet it’s the self-growth and discovery I went through that made me whole.
I never truly knew what I wanted to do with my life. My parents would say I wanted to do one thing with my future, and I would blindly agree in hopes that it would grow on me, mold me into a carbon copy of the perfect success story I’ve dreamed of. I was young and naive, wilting under the shadows of my peers. My father constantly told me that I should be a leader. Deep down, it came to me through moments that I was a destined follower.
It took me years to climb out of the shell I had created. I was no longer a shy girl, afraid to speak up, following the crowd like a lost soul. I grew up. I felt free for once. I had found myself, or at least bits and pieces, and I no longer was trapped by the invisible barrier between me and the outside world. I was not the girl that I used to be, and a weight was lifted off my shoulders as I cut ties with my former self. I welcomed my new stage of life with open arms.
When someone asks who I am, I pause with uncertainty. Who am I? Am I the girl that could be in one of your classes; the girl that doesn’t raise her hand despite her father constantly nagging at such? Am I the girl with the loud laugh; the girl who cracks jokes at any moment of time, even when it’s inappropriate? Am I the girl with earbuds in, listening to one of her many music genres? Am I the girl with the bright pink jacket, standing out in a crowd?
Or maybe it’s the little things that matter, that make me who I am.
Because maybe the world wants to know me, not the simple copy-and-paste facts, but the information you must search deeply for through friendships and trust. Break down the walls I have built, and I promise I will tell you who Cindy is.
I am no fighter, no survivor, but I am like the sun. Shining down onto others in hopes of admiration and acknowledgment, I yearn for the warmth I also give off.
When the sun rises, I will try again. Tell me, have you ever wanted to look at the sun?
┌─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───┐